Alone for the day.

I'm losing my morals. I'm forgetting who i am and what i stand for. I'm taking granted of the people who love me and i really don't care. Why should i care? Who should i care for? Nobody but my pathetic little self because if I don't care for me who will? Nobody. Nobody ever has, nobody ever will. I don't give a fuck.

contentedness.

I have nothing to say, nothing to write about because for once I'm content. I have what and who i need. I love my best friends and the people closest to me. I don't think there's much need to look anymore. everything I've wanted is right here... "like... legit" ;) dramafree4life.

Son et Lumiere.

Clip side of the pinkeye sight,

I'm not the percent you think survives.

I need sanctuary in the pages of this book.

Gestating with all the other rats,

nurse said that my skin will need a graft.

I am of pockmarked shapes;

The vermin you need to loathe.

Let it be.

I know we've been fighting nonstop for the past month and a half but you're still very special to me. I want you to be close for good, not just for a little bit of time and then just go away. I am comfortable with you around, I want you around. I need you around. I want the fighting to be over, I don't want to rip you apart,and i don't want you to do the same. I will let it be, and i will let you be. I will let the fighting be, I'll let it be in the past. I want it in the past. I want my best friend back.
"We move along, we are pretty strong,
we breathe the air, we care."

Pride.

I'm proud.I'm happy.I'm gay.
Nothing's going to change my world.

A careless bird is complicated, an empty nest still leaves a space.

With everything I've ever gone through I've always given more than i ever needed to. With that, I've had a lot taken away. Sometimes i don't care, sometimes i don't notice, and sometimes it hurts to much to confront. A funny thing it is, to have your best friend use you for all that you are and never talk to you again. It's hilarious when a person you've trusted with your life lets you down more than anybody else ever has. It's not fair, and it's not kind but what can i do? I can't stop talking to everyone I'm friends with because of nonexistent reciprocity. Can i? I thought i had what i needed. My best friend, my family, my girlfriend. I have food, i have water, i have shelter. But when your best friend and girlfriend cheat on you who wants to eat anymore? it's sickening. In conclusion of the previous statement, i don't need the important people in my life if they're all going to hurt me. It's like saying i need pain. I think I'm addicted to it now. I think i strive off getting let down. I make plans to get let down, I ask to join in people's plans to get rejected. I think i like it sometimes. It proves that I'm right. However, i don't really want to be right about something like that. I don't ever want to know that my friends talk about me behind my back, or that my girlfriend will gladly ditch me and not feel a tiny ounce of sadness of guiltiness while doing it. There is no such thing as a perfect friend, i know. It would be nice though.The closest I've ever come to perfection was when i stop caring about living at all. I just sat there, and waited for someone who cared about me to come and get me. Nobody came. I'm at a loss, I am lost, I need help, I need you. I need happiness. Is it bad to only feel loved by one person? Should i feel love from all the people I'm close with? something even remotely close by any chance? I can't sense anything from anyone. ever. they're not there the way i want them to be.

Thanksgiving.

Under the influence i might have been but i had the most beautiful feeling. I remember feeling warm, and calm and how i never wanted to forget that moment. I remember looking at Maggie, and how content she looked and how everything was green, everything was wonderful. I felt it was thanksgiving. I felt infinite. For the first time, i actually felt infinite. I've read the perks of being a wallflower so many times and never really understood what "charlie" meant. Now i do. I wont let go of that memory. In retrospect, the people i was with didn't make it what it was, it was the nature that made the people who they were. They all looked humble and happy and soft. Strawberry fields was my mood. I have no other way to explain it. Feeling infinite is perfect.

"...Sometimes people use thought to not participate in life."

I sometimes wonder why i do what i do, and other times I'm very sure as to why I'm doing it. Now is that time where I'm second guessing every action since last April. I've made a lot of bad choices since then and i have no control over the outcome, yes, they're still coming. The outcome that is. Everything is piling up to the point where I'm just letting it happen because i don't have much control.
I see things, I keep quite about them, I understand them. That's a wallflower for you. However, I'm not so much as innocent as the one in the book. Fortunately, I'm getting there. I wish things were easy, and simple. Drama free, and happy. Now a days you need to get high to be happy. I think that's horrible. I'm scared because maybe since I've fucked up so much that I'm actually becoming a fuck up myself.