Like snow, like gold.

so I'd like to make some changes

before you arrive
so when your new eyes meet mine
they won't see no lies
just love.
just love.

I will be pure like snow, like gold.

Testing the strong ones.

I will see you again, a long time from now.

I wanna live where the sun comes out.

I tried to think of something to write about for so long with a less personal aspect. I was told I write nicely, well... "beautifully" and I feel that I'm putting it to waste when I just talk about myself. I'm doing it right now. I have nothing else to talk about I guess.
I realized something. The meaning of the word "precious". In my eyes, the epitome of Precious is held within another word. Innocence. What I mean by this is something truly precious to someone can only ever be pure. It can only have the highest significance to someone and usually a distant significance to others. For example, a baby. The most precious thing in life is life. Knowing that being a woman and being able to bear a child within myself is precious. Even though I have no plans on ever having one, at least any time soon, I know that I'm grateful that i can produce the greatest thing on earth. Life.

Today i was going to do a survey on Facebook about "friends". I sat there and started it. It asked me simple things like my name, age, sign etc. Than it got to "who's your best friend", i put Shelby Deane. Simple right? But after that question i couldn't think of any other friends. Than i realized that lately, I've let all my friends go away. Than i realized that I never knew who my real friends were to begin with because if I had true friends I'd have more than one still around. One friend that today, I had to apologize to. One friend that I ditched willingly today. After all my days of trying to get better, and trying to please everyone, i wasn't even pleasing myself let alone pleasing others. I messed up horribly. Nothing is going to replace this feeling for a while.

Like O like H, in your gut.

'When I was four plus a ten I was swinging fist
Like nails in a board
Pull your hands inside of you
Six years 'till I'll be through
I was four plus a ten, I was swinging bad
Like a race to be sure'

Self explanatory.

Singing in silence.

"I wanted to know what I have done. I wanted to know it's bad."

When everything is falling apart, and getting harder and harder to deal with you'll still have me. I'm not going anywhere ever. It doesn't seem like anything is here anymore, there probably isn't. It doesn't seem like I am anything anymore because I'm not. I realized that no matter how far I go with anything, No matter how good i do in something or how accomplished I become there will always be something weighing me down. I am nothing I wish I could be. I am nothing that high expectations could ever expect. I'm the type of person that will work so hard for one thing and not get it. I'm the type of person who will give up that one thing I've been working for.
I don't care about letting anyone down anymore. I let down myself. I have four things I really love and I'm losing in all of them.
I went this far to prove myself. To prove that I could be committed in something I love. I went this far to give up. I went this far to get a lesson. The lesson being that I'm nothing. I wanted to prove that I could be something and that I'm good at something. I'm not. I just proved that the epitome of my being is a let down.
You were right, I'm an asshole. You were so right. The best part about it was walking into it saying "this is in spite of you" expecting to win. I'm nothing but a loser.