I just lost my first match for gold. I guess I'm going for bronze again.I'm not happy with that.I want to be better than I am so I'm going to keep working harder and harder and if I keep losing than that just means I'm not good enough for the sport. So now I'm hudled in my monkey sleeping bag, listening to soft music, and trying to calm down.three pounts. That's what I lost by. The reff kept saying I was out but I wasn't. That's bullshit.

On the bright side.

"we own the sky"
"The only thing we share is the same sky."

You're not as willing to fix things as you expect. However, You are my best so I'll keep holding on. It may seem like i'm blowing this all off but I'm not. I've been thinking about it a lot and like i said, my love for my best friend is unconditional. It's been four years of fighting, ditching, arguing, bickering, leaving and forgetting and if i haven't left yet, and I'm not going to. Mainly because of the four years of love, and promise, and comfort, and strength and hope. You're my all.

Nothing Gold Can Stay.

All you are is gold.
Our story's second's fold
what else is there to say?
Nothing gold can stay.

We all have a secret.

i am saddest of surrounding men.

I wandered off while you bled
monotone faces and tears shed.
Your soft hands scream in my head
fill me and scrap me with your lead.

cry away; mind's marquee sways
tensions push to get out of this place.
breathe to pace, vision shakes.
Sounds sweet lakes, Yours I'll take.

How I wish, how I wish you were here.

You two girls are so beautiful. Grace, you do inspire me. Somehow, i feel you. Shelby, you keep me together. Piece by piece. You are my best friend and i wouldn't be able to be completely happy without you in my life. Grace, I love how you are the definitive of my summer, and i love how close we became at the time. It's sad that we're still not like that but i think we can get it back. I think you're, well, i know you're a great person and i love just being around you. You give off a great energy and you make me happy to be alive. It sounds dramatic but i can give you a picture of what i feel when i think of you:
Soft sounds, music, indie, good smells; comforting; calm. I think of you as art. I don't get as calm with anyone else, calm and in tune.

Shelby, don't let anything slip away when you move. I can't live without my Harry. J. potter.

I write this about you two because you're both people that make me happy, and i'm not feeling happy anymore. Happens every winter.

Ctrl-Alt-Defeat

I have never been so disappointed in myself.
way to go, loser.

I ended up getting the bronze metal after a couple more matches of losing and winning.

You have always been the one to let go. I'm happy you know what you want. Him over me. That's fine though, I have other friends who wont keep me second best anymore. I loved you too much to get what i got in the end. It's alright, it's alright.

Just go; please don't go.

"We got down tonight, with words and with wine
And as you carried me home, I knew I'd never be right
In your eyes
We changed all the signs, controlled all the lies
And I, I can't change the past that brings you back to these halls
And how long I've gotta go
How long, how long I've gotta go, how long
On and on so far to run I'll shy and turn away
On and on so far to run I'll shy and turn away
In and out of love and life I'll fall and run away
On and on and on
But that ship set sail so long ago, turn away
We got down tonight, you seemed so surprised
But I, I've watched as the calls go in and out of your house
And how long I've...
Hey now, I know what's on your mind
On and on so far to run I'll shy and turn away
On and on so far to run I'll shy and turn away
In and out of love and life I'll fall and run away
On and on and on
Never gonna hurt you, never gonna say it all
Never gonna hurt you, never gonna say it all
Only gonna hurt you if I have to say it all"

I love you, and I'm happy.

Family.

float on.

Soo, i have a best friend. She's the most important thing to me right now; even if i'm having a hard time showing it at the moment. She knows i love her. She's the only mature friend i've got, other than kaila fast. She accepts my decisions, and helps me get better and influences me to do better. I love my best friend, I love my shelby.

Thank you for making me feel like home.

Don't worry about a thing, 'cause every little thing is gunna be alright.

I wish i got to see certain people a bit more than i do, but it wont stop me from trying. I'm not that kind of person, really. I give and give and give until i can't give anymore. Than when i have nothing left to give i just hope that what i have given to the ones i love made them strong enough to give back to me.
I know i can't keep giving to everyone though, even if i wanted to. I don't want to take, but i don't want to give. If i have to keep giving i want to know I'm going to get something back. For once.
I do everything i possibly can for my best friends, and significant others and i don't know why.
Why should i go 20 minutes out of my way to fight someone for my best friend if as soon as i leave there going to be hanging out? Why should i try talking to someone who will never actually listen to what I'm saying?

I just hate that no matter who I'm friends with and no matter who i date i still feel like a piece of shit. It doesn't matter if i fuck them, or fight them, or talk to them for years, or talk to them for days... i still feel worthless. I know that the only person who can truly make me happy is me, but how am i supposed to do that when I'm too busy trying make everyone else happier.

"and isn't it great to find, you're really worth nothing and how safe it is to feel safe"

"..i know it's a lie but i still give my love."

"...And on a seven day high
That heavenly song
Punches right through my mind
And pumps through my blood

And I know it's a lie
But I still give my love
Hey my hearts on the line
For your hands to pluck up
What gives this mess some grace unless it's fictions
Unless it's licks, man
Unless it's lies or it's love

What breaks this heart the most is the ghost of some rock and roll fan
Exploding up from the stands
With her heart opened up
And I want to tell her,
Your love isn't lost
Say,
My heart is still crossed
Scream,
You're so wonderful
What a dream in the dark
About working so hard
About glowing so stoned
Trying not to turn off
Trying not to believe in the lies..."

Another fall and with it, I'll fall too.

You're an awful friend, but only to me. I can't tell you how to act, or why you're acting like this but i can say I'm done taking it. I'm not giving you the note i wrote you. I wrote another one as a "fuck you" but you're not even worth it. Why should i go see you to give you a note you'll probably just throw to the side of your computer?
Have fun with your new friends because I'm telling you right now, I'm not one of them anymore. Fuck you. You're alone.

knowing nothing is better than knowing at all.

I have no idea what I'm doing, or what I'm going to do. I don't know what i want, or where I'm going. All i know is that I'm losing more than one person and i don't know how I'm going to keep them. I'm confused, and stupid. I'm not ready to let go, and i wont be for a while.
The used is this saturday! I'm going with two people i don't want to go with though. oh well.

I'm not gunna beat around the bush or anything so i'll just say you're a stupid cunt. I fucking hate you more than anything. go die... baby;)

I'm gone, forever. bye.

fucking bitch.

I'm the weekend warrior.

Friday, i walked all the way to pillette from greendale dr. Waiting for the bus i lost my blackberry, i got on the bus, went down the road for about two minutes... got off. It was gone. I got onto the next bus going in the opposite direction and went back to the bus stop i was waiting at. Blackberry was gone. I went to someones house, used the phone. I got my uncle to come pick me up and bring me home. I walk in the house, check the messages..."i'm alycia i've got your phone on pillette road..." I had to hitch hike to pillette in the back seat of a truck speeding through red lights and blaring metallica so loud the hicks from alabama could hear it. Odds are, they were this guys family. I got to pillette, got my phone realized..."how the fuck am i going to get home" i forgot i had a bus ticket and my entry fee for haskos kegger in my pockets. I get home, All my texts are read, and my phone was deactivated -_- It's still not working. I was on the way to Hasko's birthday... I never ended up getting there.
Today this morning, i had caboto try outs, i have no skin on the back of my ankles, hayley pulled her groin, i can't walk. I've never had such a workout. It was awesome. Besides the fact that i stepped on some bitches fingers with my soccer shoes... all her fingers are cut open.. i probably wont be able to get on the team.

life. sucks.

We'll all float on okay.

Let's sail away
Find our own country
We'll build a house and beds out of palm trees
Let's get away
Let's push our lives aside

I'll sport a smile
Take in some color
Under the stars
I'll be your lover
With no distractions I'm gonna treat you right

Well it seems like things are only getting better
Well it seems like we can never catch a break

Just a keep a hold on me don't let go
If you float away, if you float away
Waiting too long for a ship to come
Don't you float away, don't you float away

Let's go to bed
Let's stop debating
Look at the time
We're always waiting
But we're in love
And that should be just fine

Alone for the day.

I'm losing my morals. I'm forgetting who i am and what i stand for. I'm taking granted of the people who love me and i really don't care. Why should i care? Who should i care for? Nobody but my pathetic little self because if I don't care for me who will? Nobody. Nobody ever has, nobody ever will. I don't give a fuck.

contentedness.

I have nothing to say, nothing to write about because for once I'm content. I have what and who i need. I love my best friends and the people closest to me. I don't think there's much need to look anymore. everything I've wanted is right here... "like... legit" ;) dramafree4life.

Son et Lumiere.

Clip side of the pinkeye sight,

I'm not the percent you think survives.

I need sanctuary in the pages of this book.

Gestating with all the other rats,

nurse said that my skin will need a graft.

I am of pockmarked shapes;

The vermin you need to loathe.

Let it be.

I know we've been fighting nonstop for the past month and a half but you're still very special to me. I want you to be close for good, not just for a little bit of time and then just go away. I am comfortable with you around, I want you around. I need you around. I want the fighting to be over, I don't want to rip you apart,and i don't want you to do the same. I will let it be, and i will let you be. I will let the fighting be, I'll let it be in the past. I want it in the past. I want my best friend back.
"We move along, we are pretty strong,
we breathe the air, we care."

Pride.

I'm proud.I'm happy.I'm gay.
Nothing's going to change my world.

A careless bird is complicated, an empty nest still leaves a space.

With everything I've ever gone through I've always given more than i ever needed to. With that, I've had a lot taken away. Sometimes i don't care, sometimes i don't notice, and sometimes it hurts to much to confront. A funny thing it is, to have your best friend use you for all that you are and never talk to you again. It's hilarious when a person you've trusted with your life lets you down more than anybody else ever has. It's not fair, and it's not kind but what can i do? I can't stop talking to everyone I'm friends with because of nonexistent reciprocity. Can i? I thought i had what i needed. My best friend, my family, my girlfriend. I have food, i have water, i have shelter. But when your best friend and girlfriend cheat on you who wants to eat anymore? it's sickening. In conclusion of the previous statement, i don't need the important people in my life if they're all going to hurt me. It's like saying i need pain. I think I'm addicted to it now. I think i strive off getting let down. I make plans to get let down, I ask to join in people's plans to get rejected. I think i like it sometimes. It proves that I'm right. However, i don't really want to be right about something like that. I don't ever want to know that my friends talk about me behind my back, or that my girlfriend will gladly ditch me and not feel a tiny ounce of sadness of guiltiness while doing it. There is no such thing as a perfect friend, i know. It would be nice though.The closest I've ever come to perfection was when i stop caring about living at all. I just sat there, and waited for someone who cared about me to come and get me. Nobody came. I'm at a loss, I am lost, I need help, I need you. I need happiness. Is it bad to only feel loved by one person? Should i feel love from all the people I'm close with? something even remotely close by any chance? I can't sense anything from anyone. ever. they're not there the way i want them to be.

Thanksgiving.

Under the influence i might have been but i had the most beautiful feeling. I remember feeling warm, and calm and how i never wanted to forget that moment. I remember looking at Maggie, and how content she looked and how everything was green, everything was wonderful. I felt it was thanksgiving. I felt infinite. For the first time, i actually felt infinite. I've read the perks of being a wallflower so many times and never really understood what "charlie" meant. Now i do. I wont let go of that memory. In retrospect, the people i was with didn't make it what it was, it was the nature that made the people who they were. They all looked humble and happy and soft. Strawberry fields was my mood. I have no other way to explain it. Feeling infinite is perfect.

"...Sometimes people use thought to not participate in life."

I sometimes wonder why i do what i do, and other times I'm very sure as to why I'm doing it. Now is that time where I'm second guessing every action since last April. I've made a lot of bad choices since then and i have no control over the outcome, yes, they're still coming. The outcome that is. Everything is piling up to the point where I'm just letting it happen because i don't have much control.
I see things, I keep quite about them, I understand them. That's a wallflower for you. However, I'm not so much as innocent as the one in the book. Fortunately, I'm getting there. I wish things were easy, and simple. Drama free, and happy. Now a days you need to get high to be happy. I think that's horrible. I'm scared because maybe since I've fucked up so much that I'm actually becoming a fuck up myself.