little soldier, little insect; you know war, it has no heart.

being unhappy with everything is all I ever write about, it's the only thing I ever notice. Mostly because happiness doesn't last forever. Little things like relationships mask loneliness, and loneliness makes you unhappy. Once your relationship is over, you really feel the way you always have in the beginning. I'm being anti social because I want to be, and I'm leaving relationships because I want to and I just want to start fresh, with a new mask and a new identity and just feel free.

Women looked and acted so much better then. It's beautiful to me.

Come together, right now over me.

For a song I was bought,
Now I lie when I talk
With a careful eye on the cue card.
Onto a stage I was pushed,
With my sorrow well rehearsed.
So give me all your pity and your money, now

In a house by myself,
I hear the ice start to melt,
And I'll watch the rooftops weep for the sunlight.
And I know what must change,
Fuck my face. Fuck my name,
They are brief and false advertisements...

There's something worth living for, and if it's anything right now; it's you. It's not perfect but i'd rather it this way than anything else.

I woke up near the sea.

"Start out like a sailor

And bring back all you need
So everyone else can
Try and get some sleep

It turns out you were into yourself
It turns out you could find your way out
Just once more for my baby girl

It turns out you were into yourself
It turns out you could find your way out

And so I woke up near the sea,
Sailing in my dreams
You are already falling back in love with me
Just fall back in love, yeah
Just fall back in love"

"if i broke my jaw for you
i'd find a broken tooth and rip it out
throw it in the water
where it'd flow into the river
let it out
out across the flood plain"

'cause I was a wave

"And I was a cage
A cage to you

And it has to been a year since I was sober
And I made a point to pinch my skin again
Its any minute now that I will wake you
Watching a woman sleep can get you scared"

"I could use a friend to say they love me

But im gonna make a sound you cant forget
And afterwards I swore that I would haunt you
Now im way to tired to give a shit

Cause I was a wave
Collapsing you"

Love is watching someone die,

So who's going to watch you die?

Sunrise, Sunset.

Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, sunset.
Swiftly go the days.
Sunrise, sunset.
You wake up, then you undress.
It always is the same.
a sunrise and the sun sets.
You’re lying while you confess, keep trying to explain.
a sunrise and the sun sets you realize
then you forget what you’ve been trying to retain.
But everybody knows it’s all about the things
that get stuck inside of your head,
like the songs your roommate sings
a vision of her body as she stretches out on your bed.
and she raised her hands in the air asked you,
When was the last time you looked in the mirror?
cause you have changed.
Yeah, you have changed.
Sunrise, the sun sets.
You are hopeful and then you regret.
The circle never breaks.
With a sunrise and a sunset there’s a change of heart or address.
Is there nothing that remains?
For a sunrise or a sunset.
You’re manic or you’re depressed.
Will you ever feel ok?
for a sunrise or sunset, your lover is an actress.
Did you really think she’d stay?
For a sunrise or sunset.
You’re either coming or you just left but you’re always on the way.
Towards a sunrise or a sunset, a scribble or a sonnet.
They are really just the same.
To the sunrise and the sunset.
The master and his servant have exactly the same fate.
It’s a sunrise and a sunset.
From a cradle to a casket.
There’s no way to escape.
The sunrise and the sunset.
Hold your sadness like a puppet, keep putting on the play.
But everything you do is leading to the point
where you just won’t know what to do.
And at that moment you may laugh
but there is someone there who will be laughing louder than you.
So it’s true, the trick is complete.
become everything you said that you never would be.
You’re a fool! You’re a fool!
Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, sunset.
The sunrise and the sun sets.
Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, the sun sets.
Sunrise, the sun sets.
Sunrise, sunset.
Go home to your apartment
put the cassette in the tape deck and let that fever play.
Sunrise, sunset.
Where are you Arienette?
Where are you Arienette?

stay awake

"You see in way too much safety

Cause I don't stand a chance

Any longer than you do my friend

but you're still keeping me sane "

let's sail away with a whisper and a kiss.

let’s sail away past the noise of the bay
let’s sail away past the birth and death of the day
let’s sail away to where the blues and greens swirl into gray
let’s sail away
let’s sail away past the cradle of these waves
let’s sail away past the tide and its slow decay
let’s sail away to where the water goes-some endless open space
let’s sail away
take only what you need, my love, and leave the rest behind
don’t be afraid of where we’ll go, my love
i promise you will be fine
now you are the only one thats mine
let’s sail away past the reflections of the light
let’s sail away floating weightless through the night
let’s sail away like a photograph, fading to all white
it’s finally all right
forget all the mistakes my love
they won’t be made again
leave the photos in the drawer, my love
we no longer need them
we both know where we’ve been
let’s sail away disappearing in a mist
let’s sail away with a whisper and a kiss
or vanish from a road somewhere, like tereza and tomas,
suspended in this bliss.

You know how I feel.

Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
blossom in the trees you know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Poison Oak.

I'm glad I can say that I'm not in that "love isn't real" state from this. I know that love is there, and that I didn't feel it with you. I couldn't have. If it's not there now, if it's not mutually felt than it wasn't there. I'm happy that that's what the case is. I'm happy that I know I will find love, and that I will find someone who's true. Something that is real, something new. A first. I feel awful for thinking I could tie someone down and tell them what love is, and that they loved me and that a relationship would work out just because I wanted it to. I wish it would work that way but it doesn't.
I still feel empty, I still feel lost. I just realized that I'm okay. I'll be okay. I'm always okay. I know that even if there's a hundred people in the room I'm still only missing one person and therefore I'm alone in my head. I know that I'm alone in feeling this in my situation. I know that my friends are frankly, fed up with my dramatics. However, I also know that there are more beautiful people out there. There are more people to care for and care about. There are more break ups to come, and more simple little things that will hurt me. I'm okay with knowing that. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.

I have my drugs, I have my woman. They keep away my lonliness.

It will be music that heals me and I'll let it.

The shaded forests.

It was big, it was bright
It was wrong, it was right
It was dark, it was light
It was everything to me

I'm getting lost in your curls
I'm getting pushed back on a whim
Our breaths get wind
Back to the time when we were green
I know we have changed, but I still
grin, cause i can't wait to see you
Back to the time I touched your hair
I was so scared to look that mean
I think it's weird.

Like snow, like gold.

so I'd like to make some changes

before you arrive
so when your new eyes meet mine
they won't see no lies
just love.
just love.

I will be pure like snow, like gold.

Testing the strong ones.

I will see you again, a long time from now.

I wanna live where the sun comes out.

I tried to think of something to write about for so long with a less personal aspect. I was told I write nicely, well... "beautifully" and I feel that I'm putting it to waste when I just talk about myself. I'm doing it right now. I have nothing else to talk about I guess.
I realized something. The meaning of the word "precious". In my eyes, the epitome of Precious is held within another word. Innocence. What I mean by this is something truly precious to someone can only ever be pure. It can only have the highest significance to someone and usually a distant significance to others. For example, a baby. The most precious thing in life is life. Knowing that being a woman and being able to bear a child within myself is precious. Even though I have no plans on ever having one, at least any time soon, I know that I'm grateful that i can produce the greatest thing on earth. Life.

Today i was going to do a survey on Facebook about "friends". I sat there and started it. It asked me simple things like my name, age, sign etc. Than it got to "who's your best friend", i put Shelby Deane. Simple right? But after that question i couldn't think of any other friends. Than i realized that lately, I've let all my friends go away. Than i realized that I never knew who my real friends were to begin with because if I had true friends I'd have more than one still around. One friend that today, I had to apologize to. One friend that I ditched willingly today. After all my days of trying to get better, and trying to please everyone, i wasn't even pleasing myself let alone pleasing others. I messed up horribly. Nothing is going to replace this feeling for a while.

Like O like H, in your gut.

'When I was four plus a ten I was swinging fist
Like nails in a board
Pull your hands inside of you
Six years 'till I'll be through
I was four plus a ten, I was swinging bad
Like a race to be sure'

Self explanatory.

Singing in silence.

"I wanted to know what I have done. I wanted to know it's bad."

When everything is falling apart, and getting harder and harder to deal with you'll still have me. I'm not going anywhere ever. It doesn't seem like anything is here anymore, there probably isn't. It doesn't seem like I am anything anymore because I'm not. I realized that no matter how far I go with anything, No matter how good i do in something or how accomplished I become there will always be something weighing me down. I am nothing I wish I could be. I am nothing that high expectations could ever expect. I'm the type of person that will work so hard for one thing and not get it. I'm the type of person who will give up that one thing I've been working for.
I don't care about letting anyone down anymore. I let down myself. I have four things I really love and I'm losing in all of them.
I went this far to prove myself. To prove that I could be committed in something I love. I went this far to give up. I went this far to get a lesson. The lesson being that I'm nothing. I wanted to prove that I could be something and that I'm good at something. I'm not. I just proved that the epitome of my being is a let down.
You were right, I'm an asshole. You were so right. The best part about it was walking into it saying "this is in spite of you" expecting to win. I'm nothing but a loser.

Hoppipolla.

This doesn't even need to be in my language for it to be the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

We got the handshake under our tongue.

I'm confused at how fast everything is changing. I don't know why things are turning out this way. I realized the other day that if we did trades rather than using money that we'd really know what's of value to us.
I wonder what's of real value to me. I know that i have a letter, a shirt, and a stuffed animal sitting in a mailed package by my bed. That's something that's of value to me. It was the first thing that made me really think of death. I've never been scared of anything as much as i was then.

Time for growing up is now.

defying gravity.

I wish someone would truly love me and care for me like you used to and still do.
"I know you're out there, somewhere out there"
Just because we're nothing now doesn't mean i don't appreciate you. Nobody will ever really be like you were to me.

"i choose to celebrate the first."

Stepping over what now towers to the sky.

It's not the same anymore. Oh well, what else can I do.. other than my projects. I have a list of things to live up to and you're not one of them. Maybe I'm not the problem, It's just you..really. You make it a tragedy when i do wrong. you're right, you're an angel? just keep doing what you're doing and you'll be nothing to me.

"Too far along in our crime,
Stepping over what now towers to the sky,
With no connection"

Love is all you need.

I miss the good ol' days. Feeling was everyone. Everyone felt. I was introduced to so many new things and people and ways of living. So many different lifestyles. Mgmt reminds me of all of it. I was so happy then. I'm happy now, just not like then.
When you first start living a certain way, whether it be straight edge, open-minded etc It's all so fascinating. All you want to do is try and try and try and meet new people and try some more new things. I think now that I've had my turn trying and found what's comfortable that I'm taking advantage of it and it's boring me. I think that's i'm boring myself when there's so much more I can do if i just get out of my room more often. I'm responsible enough to make sure I'm safe, I'm being good, honest with my parents. I'm not doing anything bad. I'm just living.

On another note, I'm not afraid to lose anymore. I've, overnight, grew a little. It's weird, I know. I'm just growing up i guess. I know that if I lose someone I'll be hurt for a while, miss them, and move on. There's so many more people out there to be fascinated by and interested in.

People I will love, and who will love me will come and go, I'm sure. I'll hold on to whomever cares to stay close enough. Those are the only ones who matter anyways. That and family. I've taken granted for too long.

My dad today asked me what makes me happy. I couldn't come together and say that he made me happy. I love my dad. Him and I haven't been this close since i was little. It's true that the only man you can trust is your daddy. Nobody in my family has really had the chance to be proud of me. I haven't been the best in the past. However, I'm turning around and I know I'm going to finally make them proud of me and that right there will make me happy.
Love is all you need.

Four minutes.

I miss you...

"And all the books you've read have been read by other people. And all the songs you've loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that's pretty to you is pretty to other people. and that if you looked at these facts when you were happy, you would feel great because you are describing 'unity."

I'm not happy with 'unity'. The girl I love will be loved by other people and the songs i love will be loved by other people and what's beautiful to me is beautiful to other people. I don't want it that way. When it's this way it just shows that I'm nothing different, ever. I'm nothing special, I'm nothing that will be the only person for a special person.

The songs I share with someone will be shared with someone else, the jokes i share will be shared with someone else, the memories, the places, the situations, the love, the like, the lust, the anger and the pain. It wont be anything after a while. Because it's already been felt, It's already been there with someone else.

If anything, I'm not as good as the other's sharing what i have. I will always have to share. I don't want to share. I want what's mine to be mine and want to be mine. There's always the purpose of hope, i guess.

I give up.

fuck.

Fragments of sobriquets.

I'm just trapped in a nothingness now. I really could care less about other people. Even to the ones closest to me. Nobody's real anyways. It's all just an act. Just like when you first meet someone and they do their BEST to impress you and then a month later they're a completely different person. You end up not liking them for them anymore and you think they've changed. Really, they've just changed. It's weird. People will see ONE thing they like in someone and risk everything for a short amount of time just to realize they don't even like the rest of that person. So, their first action is to change you. Than the person being changed just gets miserable, the person changing just gets aggravated and controlling and they end up breaking up to repeat the cycle with someone else.
The controller and the controlled. I don't understand it really.
Also, may i add that someone will long for someone for so long and their first reaction to being together is just to hurt her one more time first to make her really know what she's getting into. Yeah, she'll let you hurt her, and she'll get right back in the spot she was in before. She'll be miserable for a long time until she gets annoyed, fed up, pissed off, and just plain old done and she wont let you go will she? She convinces you she loves you and you think you understand but do you? Do i? I don't know.

If you knew my story word for word.

"Usually when things has gone this far, people tend to disappear"

Thanks for spending your day in the emergency room with me when you could have been getting your projects done. It meant a lot that you kept me company. If you weren't there I'd probably have a panic attack during my cat scan. It smelled like burning flesh and they tied my head and hands down. I rubbed my puke on you and you still didn't leave. I snorted and gargled my saliva in your ears and you still stuck around. You had to watch the simple life, the wild wild west, britan's next top model and celebrity look alike and you were still there. You're a good friend, and a good person. Thank you.

Your skin and bones.

Turn into something beautiful.

I need you so much closer.

It's a little cold outside.

"...Don't think I'll escape, why would I escape you?
Don't think I'll replace, how could I replace you..."

"...Yeah you send a little love my way and every second I spend waiting drags me closer to this grave...
"...I'm not alone, I'm just on my own..."

What is there to say or do? Nothing at all. What's done is done i guess. Friendships end, relationships end, everything ends. Everything starts where it ends. I have the ones i need. I'll get through everything all by myself and if i can't, I have my best friend.

Porkies.

Do you think they know? Do you think they know that from the moment they're born and on they're only living to be slaughtered? Do you think they live depressing lives if that? Just something that caught my attention. Poor pigs.

The Taming Of The Hands That Came Back To Life

Will you live in the physical world?

I know explosions make debris, and catching it kind of suits you. Well it doesn't suit me.

This is all good fun for you, It's not very swell for me. I want the best for everything but I obviously can't do that alone. There is so much worse out there waiting for me to walk right into it, I'm not going to wallow in this.

Go Ask Alice.

"God is in his heaven and it's alright with the world."

I'm not sure how i feel about that but it does make me feel. I guess anything can be anything to anybody in their own place souls.

I'm never quit content enough, it seems.

Nothing's gonna change my world.

Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe

365

A new start. A clean slate. I feel good. I'm happy where i am and it's only going to get better.
I have my new year's resolution list, I'm going to complete the whole thing by the end of this year and I'm going to be happy.